...has pulled through for me. While I was out grocery shopping, he came home and I had some roses and chocolates waiting for me. Awwww........
We are celebrating Valentine's Day tonight because I am off today and we can make it to dinner at a decent hour (I usually work until 7:30 PM, and sometimes later). I need to make a quiche for work tomorrow, in addition to getting dressed for dinner tonight before I head to acupuncture. Hopefully all of this busy-ness will keep me from stressing about my lack of follicles.
I am going to be zen-kaaron, and will not stress about the future of this cycle. I am going to use my meditation CDs and try fervently to ignore the log-sawing snores of my DH at night.
Except that I probably will stress.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Self-soothing the chocolate cupcake way
Hello ladies. I am self soothing the chocolate cupcake way. Why you ask?
My first appt was this AM. I have 3 follicles on the right at about 8 mm and 3 follicles on the left at 6-7 mm. Uterine lining is about 7 mm. I was dumb enough to ask how many follies they are looking for, and the doc said two dozen. He acknowledged that I probably won't have 2 dozen to work with, but said that it isn't all about numbers and is really about the one that will get me pregnant. Ugh. Got my lab work drawn, and will call at 4 pm for the results to see if we need to change anything.
I know it's not all about the numbers but it sure feels that way when one falls far short of the desired result. I knew I should have purchased two IVF cycles.
On a funny note, I was reading the book "Red, White and Drunk All Over" that was sent to me by the wonderful Baby Steps to Baby Shoes. Doc said it sounded like a Presidential novel. Heh.
Off to find success stories of those with few eggs. Ta ta for now.
My first appt was this AM. I have 3 follicles on the right at about 8 mm and 3 follicles on the left at 6-7 mm. Uterine lining is about 7 mm. I was dumb enough to ask how many follies they are looking for, and the doc said two dozen. He acknowledged that I probably won't have 2 dozen to work with, but said that it isn't all about numbers and is really about the one that will get me pregnant. Ugh. Got my lab work drawn, and will call at 4 pm for the results to see if we need to change anything.
I know it's not all about the numbers but it sure feels that way when one falls far short of the desired result. I knew I should have purchased two IVF cycles.
On a funny note, I was reading the book "Red, White and Drunk All Over" that was sent to me by the wonderful Baby Steps to Baby Shoes. Doc said it sounded like a Presidential novel. Heh.
Off to find success stories of those with few eggs. Ta ta for now.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Won't be any more of this for a while (I hope)
One of my girlfriends sent me this photo of myself making some stellar dance moves in her living room window after I had two Jaeger Bombs (and countless other drinks before that point). There I am in all my muffin top glory. What you can't see is that there is a man out on the street that a) was surprised to see someone dancing in a window and b) made some of his own moves right back. Had to back away from the window after that.
Did not think I would be doing Jaeger bombs well into my 30's but it seems to happen with D&H more often than not. I haven't seen her drink in a while, so I suspect something is up. But I don't think she will tell me anything until after my IVF.
Anyhoo, started my stims last night. Was not a big deal at all, although the Follistim stings just a tiny bit. Follistim 450 IU and Ovidrel Microdose 0.1 ml. Two shots a night. Whee!
Friday, February 8, 2008
Puttin' the hurt on
Back from this morning's appt with the dildocam. The doc saw a couple of small follicles but no large cyst on either ovary. Hooray! My uterine lining is thin, and he said I probably wouldn't have much of a period. I have been bleeding all stinkin' month on the dern pills.
As far as meds go, I will be doing 450 IU of Follistim and 0.1 ml of Ovidrel Microdose. They recommended doing the injections at night before going to bed. This way we don't have to worry about it if we are out to dinner or whatnot. Works for me!
They also recommended that both of us do whatever we can to lower our stress level. If that means for me massage, acupuncture, etc, go for it (of course, I am alrady doing both). She did warn DH that if I was prone to PMS before, it would be magnified. This is something I tried to tell him and he wouldn't listen. And then she had the gall to say, if he needs to play golf to de-stress, the he should play golf as needed to help. Ugh! I thought you were supposed to be on my side, sister! When we were in the elevator, DH raised his arms and shouted, "VICTORY!!!!!!!" Thank goodness we were alone. I picked up my meds today from the pharmacy and it was a staggering sum. I guess because I am on a higher dose of Follistim. $4297. I actually felt woozy when I looked at the total on the register. And I do not even have the Progesterone yet. Ugh. That hurt. Ouch.
OOOOOOUUUUUUUCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHH.............
There was another woman there waiting on her scrips who said, "You must be gearing up for IVF," to which I replied yes. She said that she was doing a frozen transfer, and that she wished me luck. I told her I wished the same for her. She said that she needed all the luck she could get, because this was her last treatment. I wasn't sure how to respond to that, partly because that is a startling admission coming from a stranger and partly because I was woozy because I was also paying for my meds. I just kind of nodded and muttered, "Oh." As A and I packed up to leave, the woman and I again wished each other luck.
This was such a profound departure from the furtive glances in the waiting room that I am used to. I almost wanted to hug her.
My nurse has already called back with my results, and all looks good to begin the stims tomorrow night!!!!!
Why isn't spell-check working? That is most annoying.
As far as meds go, I will be doing 450 IU of Follistim and 0.1 ml of Ovidrel Microdose. They recommended doing the injections at night before going to bed. This way we don't have to worry about it if we are out to dinner or whatnot. Works for me!
They also recommended that both of us do whatever we can to lower our stress level. If that means for me massage, acupuncture, etc, go for it (of course, I am alrady doing both). She did warn DH that if I was prone to PMS before, it would be magnified. This is something I tried to tell him and he wouldn't listen. And then she had the gall to say, if he needs to play golf to de-stress, the he should play golf as needed to help. Ugh! I thought you were supposed to be on my side, sister! When we were in the elevator, DH raised his arms and shouted, "VICTORY!!!!!!!" Thank goodness we were alone. I picked up my meds today from the pharmacy and it was a staggering sum. I guess because I am on a higher dose of Follistim. $4297. I actually felt woozy when I looked at the total on the register. And I do not even have the Progesterone yet. Ugh. That hurt. Ouch.
OOOOOOUUUUUUUCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHH.............
There was another woman there waiting on her scrips who said, "You must be gearing up for IVF," to which I replied yes. She said that she was doing a frozen transfer, and that she wished me luck. I told her I wished the same for her. She said that she needed all the luck she could get, because this was her last treatment. I wasn't sure how to respond to that, partly because that is a startling admission coming from a stranger and partly because I was woozy because I was also paying for my meds. I just kind of nodded and muttered, "Oh." As A and I packed up to leave, the woman and I again wished each other luck.
This was such a profound departure from the furtive glances in the waiting room that I am used to. I almost wanted to hug her.
My nurse has already called back with my results, and all looks good to begin the stims tomorrow night!!!!!
Why isn't spell-check working? That is most annoying.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Ash Wednesday
Today is Ash Wednesday. On my way into work, I noticed several people had ashes on their foreheads and I asked where they received them. There was a mass in the chapel at my hospital. I didn't make it on time. There was a schedule listed and I was able to make one that was held in a conference room. I caught the last 30 seconds of that mini-mass and then it was over. I felt a big dose of Catholic guilt for getting ashes after 30 seconds of mass, but I was glad I did it. I think it gave me some peace throughout my day.
The reaction of others' to my ashes was interesting. I got a lot of "You're making me feel really guilty right now." There were also lots of smiles and inquiries from others wishing they could have attended as well. It was nice to feel a new connection with others that would not have ordinarily have happened. It is not everyday that one wears their religion on their forehead.
My patient that I cared for today is Catholic but since she had to be here at the crack of dawn for surgery, she didn't get to attend a mass. She asked if she could have some of my ashes, rather facetiously. I know it is probably all kinds of wrong, but I took some of my ashes and gave her a cross on her forehead. I figure if I can make a 33 year old woman with recurrent cancer smile, it can't be all that wrong.
The reaction of others' to my ashes was interesting. I got a lot of "You're making me feel really guilty right now." There were also lots of smiles and inquiries from others wishing they could have attended as well. It was nice to feel a new connection with others that would not have ordinarily have happened. It is not everyday that one wears their religion on their forehead.
My patient that I cared for today is Catholic but since she had to be here at the crack of dawn for surgery, she didn't get to attend a mass. She asked if she could have some of my ashes, rather facetiously. I know it is probably all kinds of wrong, but I took some of my ashes and gave her a cross on her forehead. I figure if I can make a 33 year old woman with recurrent cancer smile, it can't be all that wrong.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2008/01/one-in-whole.html
I found the link to this post via Baby Steps to Baby Shoes, and just loved what Stirrup Queen Melissa had to say (in addition to BSTBS :)). She has written about how an individual's experience in life creates a particular lens through which one views the world and the problems that can create.
What hit home for me was her describing how infertility is like a missing limb. How it is always noticeable, and how one is constantly navigating it. At work and in my personal life, I am constantly navigating the fertile world and I find that I am becoming more and more judgmental, which I am not exactly proud of.
I was visiting with my girlfriend that initiated the book club I mentioned earlier in my blog and she updated me on some of the old book club friends. One particular girl has since become a SAHM and is also basically a socialite. They have a year old child whom they took on vacation to some exotic destination. When they returned home, they decided that it wasn't "enough" of a vacation and left the baby at home for a week while they enjoyed another exotic locale. This mom has also joined an organization for which she is required to volunteer and has multiple social commitments, so she also has a nanny that puts her child to bed 3-4 nights a week. This woman is very nice and very gracious. She has been nothing but kind and friendly to me, but I find myself judging her through my lens. I found myself thinking that should I be lucky enough to become a parent, one could bet that there wouldn't be a nanny putting my child(ren) to bed that often. Had I a parenting lens to view through, perhaps I'd understand wanting some quality time with "just the two of us" or letting baby have quality time with a grandparent a week at a time. But I don't.
I also find myself so much less tolerant about people griping about their kids and the surrounding subjects. I used to have sympathy for my friends that complained about the skyrocketing cost of daycare, the cost of a decent stroller, furniture, lack of sleep, lack of vacations, etc. Now I can only think, "At least you don't have to pay to conceive!" Perhaps one day when I have a parenting lens to view through, this intolerance will be long gone, kind of like how people say the pain of childbirth is quickly superceded by the joy of the infant. I have a feeling it won't, though. IF has been such a traumatizing experience that I don't think I will ever not have a piece of that lens to look at life through.
I don't find myself judging my infertile friends nearly as harshly, or at all. My husband and I have made our decisions about how we want to pursue building our family, just as everyone else has made theirs. There are family building options that we agree are not for us, but we could just as easily have landed in a situation that would require far different options than we are currently pursuing.
If anything, Mel's post has made me more determined to remain open-minded and tolerant, regardless of fertility status. But in the meantime, I am going to forgive myself and be kind to myself to help me get out of the dark side.
I found the link to this post via Baby Steps to Baby Shoes, and just loved what Stirrup Queen Melissa had to say (in addition to BSTBS :)). She has written about how an individual's experience in life creates a particular lens through which one views the world and the problems that can create.
What hit home for me was her describing how infertility is like a missing limb. How it is always noticeable, and how one is constantly navigating it. At work and in my personal life, I am constantly navigating the fertile world and I find that I am becoming more and more judgmental, which I am not exactly proud of.
I was visiting with my girlfriend that initiated the book club I mentioned earlier in my blog and she updated me on some of the old book club friends. One particular girl has since become a SAHM and is also basically a socialite. They have a year old child whom they took on vacation to some exotic destination. When they returned home, they decided that it wasn't "enough" of a vacation and left the baby at home for a week while they enjoyed another exotic locale. This mom has also joined an organization for which she is required to volunteer and has multiple social commitments, so she also has a nanny that puts her child to bed 3-4 nights a week. This woman is very nice and very gracious. She has been nothing but kind and friendly to me, but I find myself judging her through my lens. I found myself thinking that should I be lucky enough to become a parent, one could bet that there wouldn't be a nanny putting my child(ren) to bed that often. Had I a parenting lens to view through, perhaps I'd understand wanting some quality time with "just the two of us" or letting baby have quality time with a grandparent a week at a time. But I don't.
I also find myself so much less tolerant about people griping about their kids and the surrounding subjects. I used to have sympathy for my friends that complained about the skyrocketing cost of daycare, the cost of a decent stroller, furniture, lack of sleep, lack of vacations, etc. Now I can only think, "At least you don't have to pay to conceive!" Perhaps one day when I have a parenting lens to view through, this intolerance will be long gone, kind of like how people say the pain of childbirth is quickly superceded by the joy of the infant. I have a feeling it won't, though. IF has been such a traumatizing experience that I don't think I will ever not have a piece of that lens to look at life through.
I don't find myself judging my infertile friends nearly as harshly, or at all. My husband and I have made our decisions about how we want to pursue building our family, just as everyone else has made theirs. There are family building options that we agree are not for us, but we could just as easily have landed in a situation that would require far different options than we are currently pursuing.
If anything, Mel's post has made me more determined to remain open-minded and tolerant, regardless of fertility status. But in the meantime, I am going to forgive myself and be kind to myself to help me get out of the dark side.
Update
I have been way too tired to make a coherent post in this blog. I get home from work at 8 PM and more or less go to bed after a wee bit of 'net surfing. I have finally started my new schedule of working 11a-7:30p. I am really enjoying work (for once!) and have let go of some of the stress of my previous job. There is still a little bit of work that continues to haunt me, but I can deal with it (annoying though it may be).
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After a week of paraben-free skin care, my face is definitely clearer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My last BCP is on 2/4. I am looking forward to that. I will start stims on 2/9. Wacky hormones, here we go! I can only pray that I don't bite anyone's head off at work until I am on vacation.
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Our neighbor's daughter is turning 1 in two weeks. They are very nice, but I am seriously considering skipping out on this shindig even though we live right next door. There are bound to be tons of kiddos and this is about 4 days before my egg retrieval when I will be whacked out on stims. I will probably get a gift, but I am thinking about having someone else buy it for me so I don't have to set foot in a baby store or even a baby website. I am all about serenity now!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We got a wedding invitation in the mail that I am very very excited about. The groom is a lymphoma/bone marrow transplant survivor and the bride is the picture of devotion. They were engaged 4 years ago after he was declared in remission from his first round of treatment only to relapse. They have been through more than anyone I know and this day will be truly joyous for them. I got teary eyed when I saw the invite, so I am quite certain that I will be a blubbering mess at the wedding. But it's all for a very good reason.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After a week of paraben-free skin care, my face is definitely clearer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My last BCP is on 2/4. I am looking forward to that. I will start stims on 2/9. Wacky hormones, here we go! I can only pray that I don't bite anyone's head off at work until I am on vacation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our neighbor's daughter is turning 1 in two weeks. They are very nice, but I am seriously considering skipping out on this shindig even though we live right next door. There are bound to be tons of kiddos and this is about 4 days before my egg retrieval when I will be whacked out on stims. I will probably get a gift, but I am thinking about having someone else buy it for me so I don't have to set foot in a baby store or even a baby website. I am all about serenity now!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We got a wedding invitation in the mail that I am very very excited about. The groom is a lymphoma/bone marrow transplant survivor and the bride is the picture of devotion. They were engaged 4 years ago after he was declared in remission from his first round of treatment only to relapse. They have been through more than anyone I know and this day will be truly joyous for them. I got teary eyed when I saw the invite, so I am quite certain that I will be a blubbering mess at the wedding. But it's all for a very good reason.
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