Parabens & other schtuff

After reading Lizzy's post in her blog about Parabens, I thought I would investigate new skin care because my stinkin' $60 Lancome moisturizer (in addition to other products) has methylparaben in it.

The FDA gives a summary about parabens. They are used as preservatives and anti-microbials in cosmetics. It says that parabens are generally safe, but the FDA also approved Vioxx at one time, so go fig. I also suffer from mild-to-moderate tree-huggerism, so I am more or less up for anything more natural and organic involving the body. Maybe it's safe, maybe it's not, but I figure I may as well help myself as much as I possibly can.
http://www.cfsan.fda.gov/~dms/cos-para.html

Went to Kiehl's and had a hard time finding any of their products without any parabens in them. Hit the jackpot at L'Occit.ane. Found a foaming facial cleanser, a toner and a moisturizer. Woohoo! And for a lower price than I currently spend on beauty products. And at a more convenient location. Went to a gourmet grocery store and they had some products with and some without. Some had a label "Paraben free."

I also decided to go with Lizzy's recommendation on reading the book "Nurturing Yourself Through IVF" and the meditation CD "Healthy Journeys Guided Meditations" by Belleruth Naparstek. I am feeling like I am not coping as well as I could and perhaps this will help. My one IF book I have (The Infertility Survival Guide) recommends doing meditation and I figured I'd try one that someone else has tried instead of ordering a random product. Reviews for both were pretty good.

Blog Links

I began posting a link of blogs that I like to peruse mainly for my own convenience. :) Brenda very politely asked me if I would mind if she added me to her list and I realized that I didn't do the same for anyone that I listed. If you would like me to remove you from my list, please email me at IVFbaby08 at gmail .

Nutty as a fruitcake

These hormones have me all whacked out!

I have been on the BCPs for about 9 days now and have had tons of spotting. Called the nurse at the clinic today because the spotting is now more like a light period instead of just the brownish stuff I was used to. I was told to stick it out. It happens all the time. I posted on one of my buddy groups about this, and it seems a lot of people have this happen also. I have since chilled.

I accidentally missed my acupuncture appt. I even had a reminder on my phone but my phone was upstairs while I made breakfast (that my husband didn't like--"I just don't like different stuff for breakfast babe.") downstairs and I completely didn't hear it.

Fortunately, they were able to fit me in at 5:30. It is such a good thing, because I had basically worked myself into a frenzy by consulting Dr. Google about my heart-shaped/bicornuate uterus and the rates of miscarriage, the pros and cons of Follistim vs. Gonal-F, reading various blogs (only some of which contributed to my frenzy, otherwise it is pretty fun) for about 3 hours that morning. All this coupled with the spotting I was so freaked out about caused me to have a meltdown at acupuncture. My acu gave me a treatment to "calm the spirit" (forgot what the TCM term was) and I must say it helped. By the time I made it home I felt more zen. It is nice to have the acupuncture and someone else be the voice of reason. He has encouraged me to call a moratorium on the message boards, which I don't think I could do cold turkey. I may just have to limit my time or something. This could continue to be a problem in my 2ww if I don't schedule stuff to do or read. I just started a blog for crying out loud (didn't reveal that tidbit, though). I have so few people that relate to this IRL that I feel I need a little online support.

Living in a Fertile World

I used to belong to a book club that met once a month. It was a great excuse to get out of the house and gab with a bunch of girls (~12 or so). One by one, they all got pregnant with little effort, and over a year later, there I still was, not among them. It became really hard to attend the book club, because the book was talked about for maybe 5 minutes and then all talk was directed toward babies and breastfeeding. When the other girls started talking about having their second child, I knew that my book club days were coming to an end. One girl actually said, "I always wanted a September baby, so I went to my husband and said, 'Honey, this is our month' and that was it." I am pretty certain my mouth dropped open, because she said immediately after that, "I know I'm lucky."

I am still in touch with my friend that originally invited me to the book club. She just delivered her second baby. She had a shower a couple of months back that I skipped for obvious reasons. I made a house call the day after her shower to deliver a gift. When she told me that 2 of the other book club girls were pregnant again and one had delivered her second baby in the time since I'd last seen them, it reaffirmed that I made the right decision about not keeping up with the charade and sitting in a roomful of pregnant women. It also caused me to fess up that we were going to get our family the hard, expensive way. Of course, she was supportive, and despite my fears, she didn't say any of the "incorrect" things (she had some work friends that had done the IVF thing, so someone hopefully directed her to the Resolve website--or she just has good people skills).

I have been selective about whom in my circle of friends I have told about our troubles, and with some, selective about specific details of our troubles (the last thing A wants is for me to broadcast that he had his manparts surgically altered). One can't be supported on this issue without letting others know, right? Everyone has been supportive and sympathetic, but no one really understands this journey with the exception of my online support.

One of my best friends recently told me that she was pregnant again. She wasn't sure when she should tell me, knowing that I might get a bit upset, but she didn't want me to bump into her or find out in some other way and have my feelings hurt in that way. She was hoping that we would be pregnant together after my IVF. Anyhoo, I think she did it in the best possible way really. I did a fair to middling job of holding it together, but after we got off the phone, I had a gigantic pity party with the really ugly kind of crying. I am so disappointed in myself and angry at our situation that I can't simply be happy for her without thinking of myself.

Last night, we went to dinner with our last remaining childless married friends. She told me a few months ago that they were going to start trying. She did not drink wine with dinner last night as is her usual, so I am expecting some sort of announcement after my IVF cycle is complete.

I thought I'd be safe at work with pregnancies since they just had a big ole round of baby showers in the months before I transferred back to my department. However, one girl has announced she is three weeks late. How she hasn't peed on a stick until now is beyond me. I will probably go in Tuesday and hear her announce her pregnancy.

I am at the point that I will avert my eyes when I see a family or turn my back in order to shield my view. A is a people watcher and he will stare at the families and will laugh at the kiddie antics. At Christmas when our 2 year old nephew was visiting, A picked him up and lifted him high and then gave him a big kiss on the cheek. My heart melted, and I wondered when he would get to do that with our own child(ren). He used to be really standoffish and scared to hold babies, and over the two years we've been trying, he has really opened up and ooohs and aaaahs over our friends' babies when I can't. Now I am the standoffish one.

I wish it was a little easier to live in the fertile world.

I love my boss!

This is not something that I would ordinarily shout from the rooftops, but she has given me everything that I asked for in terms of days and time off! I feel very blessed, and it has done much for my peace of mind. She is so wonderful and fair!

I have very recently made a return to bedside nursing in the PACU. I was previously in an Educator role (because I sought professional growth), but I found little satisfaction and much stress. I made the return last Wednesday, and have not looked back one little bit. I am kind of re-orienting to the role, as some things have changed a bit since I left 1.5 years ago. But things are going smoothly, and my spirits are high. I am certainly hoping that this will bode well for my 2ww.

Distraction in the Two Week Wait

I received my tentative IVF schedule today. It goes as follows:

• 2/4: Last day of BCPs.
• 2/8: Treatment Plan review, Ultrasound and teaching
• 2/9: Start Meds
• 2/13: Follow Up
• 2/15: Follow Up
• 2/18: Follow Up
• 2/20: Tentative Egg Retrieval

I am fortunate that I have enough time at work to be able to take a full two+ weeks or so off (and that my boss has done the infertility thing herself, so she is the most understanding person ever). I am a PACU nurse, so I am on my feet a lot and worry about the impact of the physical aspect of my job. My RE says that there is no scientific data to support extended bedrest, such as increased pregnancy rates or lower miscarriage rates, so he says that I can do what I wish and what will work for me. Since I have never spent this much money on anything in my life (our home excepted), I am going to take some time off.

I have been creating a sort of "care package" and a plan to distract myself in the 2ww to prevent myself from going completely insane. I've got a couple of non-fertility related books to peruse, as well as a couple of magazines and plans for a massage, manicure, pedicure, etc.

I had lunch with my girlfriend D today and we are going to work on some art projects in order to keep me from surfing FF and LP all day and night. She saw a 3-D art installation in a gallery that she wanted to replicate in her home, so I am going to help her with that. I actually worked on knocking off a $6K piece of art during my DH's recovery and I found it to be very therapeutic.

When D and I went to lunch, we selected the branch of the restaurant that is in the alternative lifestyle friendly part of town so as to avoid lots of kids and the mommies-who-lunch crowd. No sooner than D arrives does a family with a hyperactive 4 year old and another baby under a year old plop down at the table next to us. Ugh. Serenity now!

Inaugural Post

My DH and I have been ttc our first child since January 2006. We are in the process of beginning our first IVF in February, and I am simulaneously exhilarated and terrified. I have been lurking in a lot of the blogs that I found via LP and was inspired to begin my own as a way to chronicle this rollercoaster of a journey. I have a lot of anxiety about this process, and I hope that this blog will help me work that stuff out.

Thanks in advance to those of you that actually read my ramblings!