Bad News

We lost our Baby B.

I made an appointment with an OB that came highly recommended from a friend of mine. This particular doc delivered several of my friends' babies and they all loved him. He prefers to see his patients between 9-11 weeks, so I was double-dipping before I was really released from the RE. We introduced, gave him all of our info, told him about the IVF and the twins, etc. Then came the ultrasound. Baby A looked perfect. It was very active, and the heartbeat was very strong (160's) and very visible. Before he really said anything, I could tell there was something wrong with Baby B. It didn't appear to be moving, and we couldn't see a heartbeat. So the doc seemed to be looking around for a few minutes before he confirmed what I thought I saw. There was no heartbeat for Baby B, and there didn't appear to be any growth since the last US with my RE. It seemed the baby was measuring about 9 weeks, which means it must have passed shortly after my last US. For the first time ever (and we have been together for 10 years), I saw tears in my husband's eyes.

The doc and his medical assistant handled this difficult situation very well. They both hugged me immediately and gave us all the time we needed. I think we definitely made the right choice for an OB, even if I made a lousy first impression. One thing that I like is that he takes his own call, which means he answers his calls and delivers my baby and not a partner in his practice.

So, what to do? Nothing really. He said the twin will likely be absorbed (Vanishing Twin Syndrome). And of course, we wouldn't want to disturb the twin that is doing well. When our baby is delivered we can test the placenta to see what went wrong. I go back to the RE Thursday for my originally scheduled appt. I did call the RE's office to confess to my double dipping and let them know of our findings. They offered their condolences and let me know that they want to see me Thursday.

My hubby has been rather wonderful. He has been reading the ridiculous names from a baby name book in an effort to cheer me up. He has provided me with food and drink all day and has done all of our laundry since we just got back from out of town. He has also given lots of hugs and support. He has also been focusing on the positive, but giving me the space to grieve like I need. We have told our immediate family, and of course, they have been sad but supportive.

I am so grateful that we have one baby that appears to be thriving. But I am so nervous that we will lose that one also. The OB wants to see me Monday, again. I think the plan was to go over normal OB stuff today, but things changed rather rapidly. Had he attempted to go over normal OB stuff, I wouldn't have remembered anything anyway.

I am definitely mourning the loss of having twins. I was so looking forward to having two babies who would always have a playmate and companion. I had lots of daydreams about how our life would be with twins: how we'd arrange our nursery, how we'd manage to go to the grocery store with two kids the same age, how we'd manage to do anything with two kids the same age, etc. I read through my twin pregnancy books in eager anticipation of what to expect, how to best meet the babies' nutritional needs, how to bond with them once they were home. After two years of infertility, if anyone would be able to handle twins, certainly we could have done it. Quite frankly, I was really enjoying the novelty (at least in our world) of twins.

I know that I must really focus on the positive. I really am truly grateful for the baby that is doing well. I had also struggled with what to do with our one remaining snowbaby. I suppose I now have my answer.