Living in a Fertile World

I used to belong to a book club that met once a month. It was a great excuse to get out of the house and gab with a bunch of girls (~12 or so). One by one, they all got pregnant with little effort, and over a year later, there I still was, not among them. It became really hard to attend the book club, because the book was talked about for maybe 5 minutes and then all talk was directed toward babies and breastfeeding. When the other girls started talking about having their second child, I knew that my book club days were coming to an end. One girl actually said, "I always wanted a September baby, so I went to my husband and said, 'Honey, this is our month' and that was it." I am pretty certain my mouth dropped open, because she said immediately after that, "I know I'm lucky."

I am still in touch with my friend that originally invited me to the book club. She just delivered her second baby. She had a shower a couple of months back that I skipped for obvious reasons. I made a house call the day after her shower to deliver a gift. When she told me that 2 of the other book club girls were pregnant again and one had delivered her second baby in the time since I'd last seen them, it reaffirmed that I made the right decision about not keeping up with the charade and sitting in a roomful of pregnant women. It also caused me to fess up that we were going to get our family the hard, expensive way. Of course, she was supportive, and despite my fears, she didn't say any of the "incorrect" things (she had some work friends that had done the IVF thing, so someone hopefully directed her to the Resolve website--or she just has good people skills).

I have been selective about whom in my circle of friends I have told about our troubles, and with some, selective about specific details of our troubles (the last thing A wants is for me to broadcast that he had his manparts surgically altered). One can't be supported on this issue without letting others know, right? Everyone has been supportive and sympathetic, but no one really understands this journey with the exception of my online support.

One of my best friends recently told me that she was pregnant again. She wasn't sure when she should tell me, knowing that I might get a bit upset, but she didn't want me to bump into her or find out in some other way and have my feelings hurt in that way. She was hoping that we would be pregnant together after my IVF. Anyhoo, I think she did it in the best possible way really. I did a fair to middling job of holding it together, but after we got off the phone, I had a gigantic pity party with the really ugly kind of crying. I am so disappointed in myself and angry at our situation that I can't simply be happy for her without thinking of myself.

Last night, we went to dinner with our last remaining childless married friends. She told me a few months ago that they were going to start trying. She did not drink wine with dinner last night as is her usual, so I am expecting some sort of announcement after my IVF cycle is complete.

I thought I'd be safe at work with pregnancies since they just had a big ole round of baby showers in the months before I transferred back to my department. However, one girl has announced she is three weeks late. How she hasn't peed on a stick until now is beyond me. I will probably go in Tuesday and hear her announce her pregnancy.

I am at the point that I will avert my eyes when I see a family or turn my back in order to shield my view. A is a people watcher and he will stare at the families and will laugh at the kiddie antics. At Christmas when our 2 year old nephew was visiting, A picked him up and lifted him high and then gave him a big kiss on the cheek. My heart melted, and I wondered when he would get to do that with our own child(ren). He used to be really standoffish and scared to hold babies, and over the two years we've been trying, he has really opened up and ooohs and aaaahs over our friends' babies when I can't. Now I am the standoffish one.

I wish it was a little easier to live in the fertile world.